Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Alternative Medicine

I don't know what it is, but there's something going around these days, and there are several victims at my house.

My technology is sick. My printer won't print, my scanner won't scan and my computer won't compute. Actually it will compute, but it won't upload pictures, which is extremely annoying. Hence no really recent pictures up lately. Sorry folks. As soon as I can locate a professional to check it's vital signs, I'll have something fun up, I promise.

The kids are sick. Actually, they're ok, but the constant flow of greenish ooze from their noses and poor sleeping habits have me a little concerned. But I'm told the nose residue is the fall accessory of 2009 in the 2 yr.-7 yr. old crowd. If that's the case, my kids belong in Paris and Milan as this season's most fashion forward tots.

And finally, I'm sick. Actually, I'm not that bad, but my throat is on fire, and I sound like a-pack-a-day smoker. It's hard when the person who's supposed to take care of everyone else is not up to par. So the Red Baron is taking charge and is working as my own personal physician. Here is the transcript of my appointment with Dr. R. Baron:

Dr. R. Baron: Are you sick mom?
Me: Yes, I'm not feeling very well.
Dr. R. B.: Well, let's check your heart beat. Oh look, there's a baby in your stomach.
Me: Really? That's weird, I don't remember that being there (suddenly sucking in).
Dr. R. B.: Yeah, there she is. Her name is Mmmini.
Me: Ok, let's talk about my sore throat instead (feeling a little uncomfortable and self-conscious).
Dr. R. B.: Ok. And I need to check your eyes. And your mouth. And your shots.
Me: Where will I need shots?
Dr. R. B.: In the forehead, the heart and the baby.
Me: Ouch. That sounds serious.
Dr. R. B.: Shots only hurt for a minute. Then you can have a candy corn. (Which ironically might the reason why there's a Mmmini in the first place).

She wound up and gave me my shots; turns out stabs and shots are the same thing. What can I say? My Dr. is very thorough. She kissed it better and then started singing a Spanish song, while drumming on her brother's head. Did I mention she has a more homeopathic approach to medicine?

I'm relieved that my prognosis is so good. It turns out that Mmmini and I will be fine. It's nothing a candy corn won't fix. And luckily, I have a decent supply of the medicinal candy corn, so if you need any, you know where to come. I can be your dealer.

If you excuse me, I have to intervene on Dr. R. Baron from performing her first session of acupuncture on the Little Man. Stay well!!


  1. A candy corn dealer--I could use one of those! And really, could there be anything worse than when Mom's sick? I think not.

    Hope the meds kick in real soon, or at least give you a sugar rush!

  2. I would love to be your candy corn dealer. But only for medicinal purposes. Nothing underhanded or sketchy. I run a legitimate operation around here.

  3. remember how minks ate that candy corn that she found on top of the oil puddle in the parking lot?

    i hope you feel better soon trev, but i'm glad you're being taken care of. if it makes you feel any better, i think the red baron would most definitely find a mmmini or two in my tummy as well.